Grieving Is Healing

Updated: Apr 5, 2020

It's been two weeks since I've practiced self-quarantine and social media distancing to help flatten the CoVid-19 curve in my own little way. And it's almost been a week since I detoxed temporarily from social media. I realized I'm in dire need to silence my mind from too much noise online that's starting to badly affect my mental health.

I'm one of the people classified as "immune-compromised". I may look young, happy, healthy and "normal" on the outside but my neutrophils are currently low from the oral medication I'm taking for cancer treatment. So I have to be EXTRA careful in staying healthy AND keeping my anxiety in control.

Since the CoVid-19 outbreak happened, it went hand in hand with some personal things going on in my life that I can't help but feel helpless about. I know that other people may be going through a lot more. But it would be unhealthy for me to suppress all these human emotions and thus, I'm here writing it out.

Right at this very moment, I am grieving. Like a baby, I wish I could just cry and get it over with. But for empaths like me, it doesn't work that way. This process has to happen so that my internal healing can proceed. So I'm giving myself the permission to be "human" and acknowledge all this pain that's weighing down my body, mind, heart and soul.

1. Today, I grieve for the passing of someone who played a major part of my life in America. A person who was so selfless, kind-hearted and courageous to help me in ways unimaginable just so I can get the support I need as I settle down in California. It was a sudden shock when I received the news last week and I guess a death of someone close to you takes time to be processed. The funeral and the burial is this weekend but due to the CoVid-19 safety measures, I may just have to be there virtually, practice my own mourning or visit the burial site when the pandemic gets better. But I grieve for this great loss. I wouldn't be here safe in America if not for this noble human. For now, I will light a candle and be silent as I process all of this.

2. Today, I grieve for the fact that I can't be close to my family in the Philippines due to all the travel ban. At a global health crisis like this, your family will always be the people you wanna protect and be close to the most. But I can't be there physically. I'm grateful that technology is a great tool to communicate but it still hurts to be so far. My mother is turning 77 years old this April 2 and although she is in a safe and secure place in Manila, how I would love to be next to her on her birthday. But for now, I'll have to make the most of video calls and keep the faith that she will be okay. That God's legion of angels will constantly look after her and remind her how much I love her.

3. Today, I grieve that I am experiencing my own major health issue as this global pandemic is going on. Having this cancer shit is already a lot to handle so to have another threatening virus lurking around that's contagious with no preventative vaccine or cure yet adds up to my stress. Thus, to achieve calmness requires five times as much effort. I also feel helpless that I can't really do much to make things better except lock myself at home, stay clean and productive. I've always been the proactive type but at times like these, I really can't do much except follow the protocols, stay sane and trust the process that this, too, like anything else, will pass.

4. Today, I grieve that my new line of treatment for cancer is still not showing effectivity in my very recent blood work. My blood tumor markers are still elevated and although it's not the most accurate way to detect treatment response, I would much prefer to see it getting lower. And the side effects of Ibrance, the oral pill I'm taking is starting to manifest. My neutrophil counts are low so I have to hold off for a week until it climbs back up. To have low neutrophils isn't the most ideal situation right now because that's the one that fights off infections, viruses and bacteria in the body. Hence, I bleed and bruise easily and I noticed that my wounds, even the little ones, take so much time to heal now. I've only been on this new treatment for a month so my onco said maybe it's too early to see improvements so we will test again for another month. But either way, I'm not liking this situation at all. I will be moving my routine scans by April instead of May and I will see from there. That will give me and my medical team more clarity on my body's response to the treatment.

5. Today, I grieve for all the devastation that this CoVid-19 is causing to mankind. The helpless elders who died especially in Italy, the health care workers in the Philippines who sacrificed their lives to treat patients, loved ones who can't be together because of the travel ban, deep global economic crisis, deprivation of physical and social connection which is the most basic of human needs, added anxiety for people going through existing health issues, sickness and death in the poor areas that can't afford proper healthcare, hygiene, sanitation and social distancing, unemployment and financial meltdown for small businesses... and to the selfish politicians, celebrities and influential people everywhere who don't really care for the betterment of the whole but instead, just focusing on their own safety and vanity... FUCK YOU insensitive, heartless assholes! May you eventually get the karma that you deserve and learn the hardest way that your money, fame and name don't actually mean shit. Virus and disease knows no privilege so yeah, shut your pie hole and humble down.

My grieving list could go on and on but bottom line, this disease is one horrible monster that took so much from all of us. I know that one day, this will just be a major story as part of history, but it still really hurts to imagine how much suffering this pandemic has created by far. One day, all will be well. But for now, I acknowledge this harsh reality and I will grieve my way to healing from all this.

Hang in there, my strong and resilient WINNERS. I may not know what's going on in your mind, life and household right now and it could be a lot worse than what I'm going through but regardless, we have no choice but to hold on to faith in the Almighty Creator, that He will always follow through. We just have to trust the process and believe that all will be well. That this will yield a beautiful story, lesson, unity and love for the world when this catastrophe is over.

Please stay at home, be clean and keep the faith alive! Altogether, no matter how insane it seems, we are still gonna WIN this! One step at a time, one day at a time.

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