Updated: Apr 5, 2020
"Am I dying?"
I asked my onco straight out when I saw him last February 19 upon confirming that the small liquid build up we drained from my left lung was malignant.
"We are all dying at some point, Jaymee. We are all terminal in the physical world. I could go out right now and get hit by a car. So to answer your question, yes you're gonna die at some point. But so are we all," my onco replied.
"I mean should I write my will, quit my job now, max out all my credit cards on impractical luxuries, do extreme backpacking around the world and get tattoos all over my body kinda' thing?," I clarified.
"NO JAYMEE!!! We are not there! There's still lots of treatment protocols to try so I'm not talking months here... unless something happens to you outside of cancer! We're still counting on years here or even decades if you get lucky. So don't quit your job and do impulsive shopping!!! There's still lots of hope!", he said with a laugh.
I used to get panic attacks when I think and talk about my mortality with my onco. It just freaks me out to imagine that it is actually a REALITY that we all have to face at one point. I just didn't expect to be thinking about it at age 40. I thought this was something for much older people to deal with. But not if you've been struck with cancer three times like in my case.
The truth is, I'm scared to die because I'm so not ready to leave. I'm just about to experience freedom, privilege and independence in America. I'm still on a mission to have a global voice that will inspire the world with my stories and learnings. And I still have that nagging desire to help and support others going through super challenging times. I wanna be the giver of faith, hope and love because I truly know what it feels like to live a life of suffering and pain. And I would love to just help ease other people's burden just like what Jay Shetty does.
Days after I received the 3rd recurrence have been so hard. It's as though I'm losing my mind. Crying from feeling sorry for myself at one point... then getting intensely angry that my chest feels like it's gonna explode from all the rage and shouting in my car, "F*CK YOU CANCER YOU SON OF A B*TCH!!!!!," the next minute.
Because it's impossible not be mad at this point. 2020 has been starting out so great for me. I just got signed with a commercial agent in LA, I'm enjoying my part time library job more and more, I've been establishing great friends and more networks in San Diego, I feel great and healthy... and I'm so determined to build my vision of having a global voice in America. Then this b*tch just comes slithering through and BAM! The sand castles I've been building gets wiped off just like that. It's so unfair. So f*cking unfair.
But who said life is fair anyway right? I always remind myself that we all have our crosses that we're carrying. I got lucky with the other aspects of my life but my health has been a tremendous roller coaster ride the past 4 years.
And I'm tired. So damn tired of dealing with this disease that really f*cks you up psychologically. Because I look healthy and I feel healthy but the tests says otherwise and it sucks. It really does because you get so paranoid that maybe one day, you just collapse and that's it!!! Even if it's not actually happening.
Every little pain I feel in my back gets me so scared that I have cancer in the spine... when it's just me sitting for too long from being in front of the computer. And every shortness of breath that's induced by anxiety makes me want to call 911 thinking that maybe I have cancer in my lungs or heart!
And I hate that this fear is constantly lingering in my mind... that death might just be around the corner. And that's not the way to live life. Because life is beautiful and worth experiencing. I've travelled the world alone for a long time to know that there's so much to see, meet, do and try out there and to live based on fear will make you miss out on so many of these amazing experiences and encounters!
So F*CK it. I will tackle this hard battle once again like a grown ass woman that I am and do what I need to do even if the uncertainty of this journey is too nerve-wracking. More drugs, more pokes. GREAT. Yahoo.
I trust God's plan for my path. I trust my amazing body that it will pull through. I trust my intuition that it is guiding me towards survivorship. I trust my medical team that they are doing their job to heal me. I trust loved ones, support system and online followers that they are giving me the faith, prayers and well wishes that I deserve. And I trust that humanity still exists... that love sent from every corner of the universe who hears about my story will find it's way to me and heal me completely.
F*CK OFF, CANCER. I'm done with your shit. I deserve to be healed completely and live a beautiful long life ahead. Now get out of my body and BURN in hell!! I AM WINNING AND WILL WIN over you, you mother f*cker.
P.S. Yes this is a rant. And yes, cancer sucks. Thank you for letting me b*tch out to free my chest from exploding from anger. Hoping for your support on this short documentary of my life on YouTube to inspire us all to keep WINNING the daily battles that we experience.
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