Updated: Apr 5, 2020
NOTE: This is my last exhale on social media about this issue. It's just too fresh right now and I need time to process it all. But pretty much, this video explains what I truly felt.
Like I said here, I've never been called by motherhood even in my younger years. Perhaps it's because I grew up with a broken family so I didn't see the point of passing on an emotionally difficult childhood. Or maybe because I still wanted to see the world and what it had to offer. Or because I saw how many f*cked up people keep procreating only to raise a dysfunctional child on Earth. And my heart bleeds for that.
I remember when my fertility doctor asked me back in November 2016, "Do you want to have a biological baby?" Because if I do, we have to freeze my eggs before starting chemo in a month.
I gave her a blank stare and after a few seconds of super awkward silence, I said, "Um... I don't know."
"You don't want this, Jaymee," my doctor responded with a compassionate smile. "Women who do usually respond with a big YES or start to panic and cry. The fact that you're not sure means you don't really want this and that's okay. It's okay..."
Looking back at that conversation, I realized I just didn't have the balls to tell her my truth. That, at that time, I didn't want a baby because, well, how the hell am I gonna raise a kid when I'm just starting my life in America, my finances are just enough to get me by and I'm about to go on breast cancer treatment which I'm not even sure I can survive?! So how will I even entertain the thought of having a baby back then?! Heck NO!!!
But this week, when my fertility doctor confirmed that my chances of conceiving is 5% and if I want to increase my estrogen production so that we can get a healthy egg cell to freeze, I'll have to stop hormone treatment for 6 months. And doing so will put me at high risk of my cancer returning since it feeds on estrogen. Bottom line, my medical team isn't advising it. One, because my chances of harvesting a healthy egg is super low which can't guarantee an embryo eventually. And two, my cancer will spike up and might kill me. So we could potentially lose me and the egg cell.
As I processed all of this driving home, I felt so cheated on. I don't necessarily want to have a biological baby now. But I do want the option there. I want to feel that I wasn't disqualified by the universe to join the mom squad or that I wouldn't hate myself in the future for taking my youthful reproductive abilities for granted. I didn't want to be outcasted in midlife where most women my age are focused on raising their little ones while I'm here... still finding what my next calling is that doesn't involve breast feeding.
I know I'm sounding like a brat and wanting all of this for the sole purpose of not being left out and judged by the cruel society but it's the damn TRUTH. I didn't desire motherhood more than a typical woman would but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt when I was told in my face that having a little biological Jaymee is no longer possible. (F*ck cancer for this!!!)
I cried, prayed, vented and released my pain about this to God, to my friends and social media. I finally came to accept that some women are simply meant to keep loving themselves, their loved ones, and the unconventional crazy life that they chose and was given for them to live. It doesn't mean I am less of a woman or not capable of nurturing another human being. It simply means the path destined for women like me are different and that our motherhood abilities are meant to be channelled elsewhere... and I'm ready to accept that mission.
No biological baby coming for me... so... now what? In the far future, I've always been open to the idea of adoption as I would love to give mentorship and a loving home to a child who needs it. And of course, there's egg donor with a surrogate mother or a partner with an existing kid/s. But for now, my vision is focused on taking good care of myself, continuing to find my voice in America to represent cancer survivors, kids at heart, the late bloomers, childfree women, and English as second language speakers wanting to be heard globally.
I will give to myself the love, privilege and opportunities I oughta' give to my child as a mother. Because in my final days, I want to look back and say I lived a badass story and gave my very best shot to make the most of every moment I have while being alive here on Earth. So, with a child or without, my inspiring legacy goes on. And I'm sure my biological child would've been damn proud of his/her crazy, unconventional momma. :)