Yesterday, I met with an awesome life coach who gave me a self-reflection exercise that stirred up a lot of emotions. She elicited out of me that deep within, I secretly haven't completely let go of the cancer experience. Like a scratched music CD that keeps playing the same portion of a song, I unconsciously keep rehashing the "cancer victim" mentality in my head that cripples me from moving on to a new beginning. Which is why after so many attempts to jumpstart my life, I somehow come back sulking in one corner reliving the pain of the tragedy.
She told me to write down all the reasons why I seem to have gotten stuck in my horror episode of Cancerville. I'd like to share to you what I wrote in my journal. If you're having a hard time letting go of a traumatic life experience and can relate to that feeling of being "stuck", I encourage you to do the same.
1) Having cancer made me feel so loved.
2) It made me feel really important to the world.
3) It made me feel taken cared of.
4) I received gifts and financial help. 5) Everyone is so kind to me.
6) It gave me that yielding power. 7) I met and connected with wonderful new friends.
8) It lets me get what I want without demanding for it.
9) People, including social media, truly listened to what I had to say.
10) People kept checking on how I am and gave me attention. 11) It gave me a story to share.
12) It made me truly realize what matters. 13) I learned the value of meaningful relationships.
14) It made me know myself a lot better.
15) I got close to my mom.
16) I lived a much healthier life.
17) I've learned to truly appreciate life.
18) Every life experience is heightened to the senses.
19) I'm given the permission to rest and slow down. 20) I learned to listen to my intuition.
21) It brought out my creative side.
22) I realized how strong I am as a person.
23) I learned to ask for help and it's okay to do so.
24) It got me closer to God who created me. 25) It was a humbling experience.
I broke down in tears as I was writing all of this. I know it sounds kinda' messed up but I realized I was secretly drawn to the feeling of being loved and important that this horrible disease brought to my life. That I have power. That I'm worth the attention. That I matter.
But I'm now ready to find the same benefits that cancer gave me in a positive light by sharing my story as I celebrate my third chance at life. I'm now working towards releasing the thought that I only deserve all of these if I have a disease. I'm challenging myself to come into terms that I can be a whole, happy, healthy, purposeful person and still be worthy of all these WINNING realizations.
So I hereby declare that right in this very moment, I thank cancer for all the gifts that it brought to my life. Despite all the damages it caused, I am still grateful for all the experience. However, it's done and today starts my story of complete healing, inspiring, uplifting and empowering. It's time to let go of the bad juju and start anew. It's time to claim the victory once and for all and truly believe that I f*cking WIN. :)