(NOTE: I'd rather not divulge the entire details of my recurring diagnosis as I don't want to stir up unnecessary worries or fears from the outside world. Or perhaps, I'm not in the mood to share it just yet so I'm hoping for your understating in this matter.)
I had high hopes for 2019. I claimed that it will be my time to soar meaning I will finally build the life I've always envisioned and chase after my American dreams passionately. I claimed and declared that my health will be at its prime and nothing will stand in my way.
But as I did my pet scan early this year, I heard the most devastating news that any breast cancer survivor would never want to hear... my cancer has come back.
Below are the links in my interview with Janelle So in her show aired in TFC the day after I received my second diagnosis.
Please don't dare pity me or pray over like I'm in some deathbed about to depart as it's a VERY early recurrence and it's HIGHLY treatable. Bottom line, I'm STILL gonna live. But of course, knowing that my biggest fear manifested to life hit me so hard that I fell on a very deep depression and anxiety.
Receiving a second cancer diagnosis is way worst than the first. For a time, I was beating myself up a lot harder than ever thinking this was all my fault. I thought maybe I didn't take care of myself well enough. Maybe I made wrong decisions during my first treatment. Maybe I was secretly doubting my body and its capacity to heal in contrast with the WINNER image I have on social media. Maybe I didn't trust my medical team completely. Maybe I didn't pray to God hard enough. Maybe this, maybe that.
And this is why I disconnected from social media for awhile. I was in a very dark place wondering what the f*ck is life trying to teach me now? I was feeling more and more hopeless and sicker by the minute and was entertaining thoughts of just giving up to get this drama over with.
For a time, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without breaking down and wondering if I will ever get through this again. Luckily, my treatment right now only involves a stronger hormone therapy so no chemo, surgery or radiation in the horizon. That gave me a sense of relief that I won't go under the knife or lose my pretty short curls which took me a year to grow out.
After being bombarded with support by loved ones, spiritual work such as prayers and meditation, professional help and my own willpower to live, I mustered the courage to pull myself together again.
So here I am writing this blog with a smile on my face, living life with so much appreciation, full of hope and faith that I am being nudged harder to be a testimony to the world that miracles do happen and healing is possible.
How do I know that I'm healed for sure? I don't. Though my next scan, which will be on mid-June, will reveal how my health is doing so far, I honestly don't give a sh*t. I've never felt so alive, content, healthy and grateful than ever. And I walk by faith knowing that the cancer recurrence was spotted on VERY early which has a big chance to heal. So I hereby already claim that I am granted a third chance at life. And I am committed to no longer wasting it with petty complains, negative thoughts and shallow connections.
For a time, I thought I would never creep out of that very sad hole upon hearing this news. I thought I would never smile, be joyful or have the ability to inspire again. I was giving in to that nasty voice inside my head saying I will never win this and will just burden the world with my misery. But that voice was so wrong.
The turning point happened when my speech therapist who was treating me for my cracked voiced looked at me in the eye at the peak of my depression and said with full conviction, "I know you can beat this, Jaymee. You are strong and determined. I believe in you. I really do. You got this. Believe in yourself like how I believe in you."
Since that day, I started to look at myself in the mirror every damn day saying out loud to my reflection,"I believe in you. God is with you. Jaymee WINS again. You are healed. You are strong. You are loved. You are living long and WINNING strong. You got this!"
And slowly, I started feeling better. Day by day, my zest for life came back. I caught myself smiling at the sun again. I felt excited to do things that gave me joy and purpose, I reconnected with my spirituality and core support group and got the inspiration to come back on social media to share my journey. All these happened because ONE person truly believed in me that triggered me to push myself to keep LIVING life.
Only God knows what destiny has in stored for me and how many more years I have in the physical world. But right in this very moment, it doesn't matter as I am truly living and fulfilling my purpose to inspire, uplift and empower others. Even in the midst of life's uncertainties and hardest adversities, joy, contentment, faith, hope and love exist if you BELIEVE with all your strength that healing is possible and that the Almighty God who created you will always follow through.
To LIVE long and WIN strong... this is my new vision for 2019. Let's see what my next scan will reveal in a few weeks. But regardless, I am committed to manifesting my miracle with YOU, my beloved followers. Support me by focusing on living a great, healthy life instead of worrying about sickness and dying. I'm still here and I ain't going anywhere! Together with faith in the Higher Power, BELIEVE with me when I say, "Healing is happening the second time around! WE GOT THIS!!!"
WINNING With You Again,
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