When I impulsively decided to do this life blog of mine since I started treatment for early stage breast cancer in 2017, my original intention was to use it for therapeutic release. Added bonus if other people will feel inspired witnessing my story as well as making others who are in a similar situation feel less lonely with what they're going through. But the agenda was to help me stay sane and not burden my friends out by constantly exhaling my cancer shit to them.
I picked the name "Jaymee Wins" because one of my best friends and I were chatting online as I was about to start treatment and I proclaimed that I am gonna WIN this battle by all means. And she responded, "No doubt! Jaymee WINS baby!" From that conversation, the light bulb came up and I found the right name for my blog.
The name itself is a constant self-reminder to keep WINNING everyday and I found it so empowering when I was going through chemo sessions. Every time I go to the hospital on infusion days, I keep saying to myself, "No more fighting, no more battle... it's already done! Jaymee WINS!"
At that time, WINNING to me simply meant being able to go through treatment, eat and digest food, sleep okay, smile at the people around me, do some exercise no matter how little like go for a short walk, and breath well. Bottom line, I just wanted to survive the day as normal as I possibly can.
But now that treatment is done and I've been back in the real world, reality is slapping me so hard on the face.
Being a WINNER, as portrayed in the media entails making good money, being a CEO of some million dollar company, having fancy possessions, traveling to amazing places, getting an award or recognition for a unique achievement, earning a master's degree in a highly accredited university, or getting a million followers and tons of sponsorships on social media... everything big, grand, expensive and fabulous.
And here I am. Alive. Breathing. And that's it. No big sponsorships, no award, no million bucks. None of those. Just me surviving breast cancer and now, existing. And as much as I'm constantly reminding myself to be patient and trust my rediscovery process back in the wild selfish world, I can't help but feel the pressure to figure it all out right here, right now and to WIN big at parr with society's expectations.
Of course I desire to make a difference in the world after my traumatic experience. I am committed to make a contribution to mankind by spreading hope and positivity through sharing my stories, experiences and learnings. But the pressure to WIN in materialistic society's point of view is bombarding me with stress that blocks off my creative flow.
So to my avid followers, pardon me if I can't seem to fully jumpstart "Jaymee Wins" into the grand vision that I've always had in my head. I'm still nursing a lot of psychological issues such as PTSD and depression combined with this annoying chronic dry cough that has remained undiagnosed for 3 months now. But all of that ain't gonna stop me from moving forward, even if the pace is slower than what I hoped for. (Don't freak out, my cough is not cancer as my test results are all clear. However, my medical team and I are still working on figuring it out and how to treat it best.)
Honestly, there are days when I'm just tempted to shut down this social media project altogether. Maybe I can't handle the stressful pressure to WIN in the real world. I thought to myself, "What am I doing this for? Maybe I should stop caring and just be happy with the fact that I'm alive and existing. Maybe I don't really need to put myself out there and materialize this vision I have as a verbal artist."
But I know that if I cave in to these limiting beliefs, my soul will never feel happy and alive which will eventually lead to my doom. Even at the darkest moments of PTSD and depression, I have that burning faith inside my heart that I should keep going... that there is something that will come out of this if I just carry on... that the goodness of my intention to inspire will be heard by those who need it most. That one day, this will all make sense even if it doesn't seem like it right now.
So f*ck the definition of a WINNER by the real world! I fought hard (and still fighting!) to make it through today. Yes I'm not making a million dollars, own a Lamborghini, traveling first class to exotic locations or getting sponsorships from posh Italian brands.
But I am here sharing my struggles and victories to the world, the good stuff and the bad sh*t, because this is REAL LIFE. Not some overly curated photos to deceive others that I am perfect, that my life is perfect. Because it's not and will never be. It's how I manage, learn and grow from these imperfections that reveal who I truly am and how strong my spirit is that makes me feel like a WINNER.
With that being said, what is my own definition of a WINNER?
It's someone who can experience both triumphs and adversities but still manage to survive, thrive and smile through it all. It's someone who can take pride in being able to stand on their own but also has the strength to ask for help if they are at their weakest moments. It's someone who build others up when they reach the peak of success but have the humility to admit if they are still a work in progress and be willing to adjust their life to it accordingly.
It's someone who wakes up each day declaring, "Today, I am alive and I am WINNING" no matter how hard life's been treating them. It's someone who can still smile and be polite to those around them even if they feel like a total crap. It's someone who has the genuine intention to serve others and contribute to humanity in spite not having all the means, energy and abundance to do so. And most importantly, it's someone who has the balls to be themselves, both in the real and digital world without letting judgment, fear, pressure and criticisms get in their way of being authentic.
To be a WINNER is to possess the attitude, character and willpower to rise up and to grow strong with every hurdle life brings and still be kind enough to help uplift others along the way.
So I end this blog entry by declaring my commitment once more to carry on with WINNING day by day no matter how mundane it looks like in the real world. One day, this story telling will all make sense. I trust the Creator that He will reveal His miracle for me. But for now, I'll keep blogging.
Now it's your turn! What is your definition of a WINNER?