Random Evening Thoughts...


ON HORMONE THERAPY...

It's been exactly a week since I got off the Arimidex pills. The Zoladex injection is still probably in my system. Both these meds forced my body to go on clinical menopause by suppressing estrogen and it's been a helluva' crazy ride! I'm starting to feel a little more like myself since yesterday but it's unbelievable how I literally experienced a personality switch while on it. I feel MEH, fatigued, mood swings are extreme and I'm just very hot-tempered and impulsive all the time. As though I have this bratty, uncontrollable teenager inside of me that I have to constantly scold. Thank God for my therapist, friends and online followers who reminded me that this is normal and will come to pass given the right medication. So now, I wait for my doctor's appointment on December 4 so we can decide for Plan B. Wow. Now I know what menopause feels like and have found deep compassion for people going through it. As I write this now, I'm still not 100% but definitely better than how I was when I shot this video blog a few days ago, my cuckoo episode... :)

ON THERAPEUTIC RELEASES...

To keep myself from going complete bananas from hormonal imbalance, I'm in the process of finding ways to put my brain at ease. Going for a run or long walk, yoga, reading, learning something new on YouTube, staring at the beach, driving my car without the roof and retail therapy are my tried and tested releases but I'm still searching for more. The 3 main things that keep me truly sane lately are blogging, talking in-depth with people and praying out loud. JAYMEE WINS, my social media documentation has been a blessing as it's been an effective outlet for my soul and a great way to connect with people going through a similar journey.

ON PURPOSE...

I catch myself feeling a little confused and overwhelmed lately with regards to what my new life purpose is. Since I'm fortunate to be given an extension to live, there's some pressure I've been putting on myself to make my life more meaningful this time around. Right now, I'm still putting the pieces together and have been doing a lot of soul searching as I adjust into hormone therapy. Should I study again? Should I just keep writing and vlogging? Should I pursue corporate? Should I do volunteering to give back? I know for sure I want to work even part-time just to have some structure and schedule in my life but I'm still totally clueless on where the road is taking me. To not feel overwhelmed browsing at so many job openings in San Diego, I hit the APPLY button on the listings that feel right. I'm still praying hard on this one... that I be led to the right opportunity to serve and be of good purpose.

ON JUDGEMENT...

My former boss asked me to have lunch the other day to check how I'm holding up with treatment. The last time we communicated was before I started the AC chemotherapy which was back in April. We had a long, quality conversation about mid-life, companies, career, investments, decision-makings and the grown-up world. I've always known him as a highly professional boss who is so money-driven and most of my colleagues back then would refer to him as a shark. But having sat with him outside work in a more relaxed setting, I got to know a truly empathetic person with so much knowledge to learn from. I'm glad I got to know him as a person and not from what my former colleagues perceived him to be. That's why I can't stand judgmental people. They only see what's on the surface. Never bothering to know what the content is really all about when the truth is, you'll never really know someone unless you actually spend quality time and give your full attention to them. Having said that, people should practice the art of open-mindedness and not be too quick to judge. It surprisingly opens doors to new knowledge and wonderful human connections.

ON CHILDREN...

"Are you able to control your body now, Tita Jaymee?," my best friend's adorable 4-year old son asked me today as I finished my afternoon run. He's been noticing that I've been withdrawing myself lately... my way to protect everyone from extreme mood swings. I've been told that it can ruin relationships so until I'm totally in control of my cuckoo-ness, I prefer to have a lot of alone time for now. "Yes sweetheart, running cleared my mind and relaxed my body. Thanks for asking," I replied with a smile. "I know what's happening. Your doctor needs to give you medicine so you can control your body!," he exclaimed with a matter-of-fact tone. I told him he's probably right and that he's so smart to figure it all out, hugged him tight and told him I'd like to spend time with him watching cartoons this coming weekend. Children... don't you just love their common sense and brutal honesty?

ON BREAST CANCER...

I ain't gonna glorify the damn truth that it's been a crazy roller coaster dealing with it but the good news is, there are ways to keep winning. It's all a matter of being proactive and vocal with your needs, happiness, feelings and intuition. It gets so exhausting sometimes to always have to spell everything out and be constantly in tuned with your body and mind. When those days hit me, I just crash in bed, pray and breath. But the next day, I bounce back and remind myself that I was given the extension to live longer for a reason. So I must carry on and seek that purpose.

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Jaymee WINS

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