Updated: Apr 3
Around the same time last year, I woke up happy like any other awesome day in San Diego.
Clear blue skies and bright sunshine as usual, had a good sleep, excited going to work as I was enjoying my hotel concierge job that gave me free restaurant deals and tourist events passes and I was looking forward to go for a run in the beach or do boxing during down time.
I was at my prime. I felt beautiful, happy and healthy. I was so new to the US and was just starting out the American life after having lived in Spain for awhile and travelled all over Europe. I was building a career in the hospitality industry, studying to be real estate agent on the side, I've got tons of friends, meeting so many new people, getting attention from the guys and driving a vintage 2-seater '90s convertible that I bring to the beach every opportunity I can. I was living the SoCal life to the fullest and it was so damn fantastic!
I jumped in the shower that day, lathered myself with coconut scented products which I absolutely love, I was in jolly spirits doing my usual positive affirmations while warm water ran down my skin...
"I'm beautiful, sexy, happy, healthy, smart, kind and abundant! Life is great and I am blessed..."
Okay now Jaymee, repeat!
"I'm beautiful, sexy, happy, healthy, smaaa... (paused) hmmm... wait a minute... oh."
There it was. A lump the size of a marble with a texture of a gummy candy. Right between my left armpit and nipple. Moving gently in my fingertips as I touched my left breast. It didn't hurt or feel swollen or anything. But it was there. And it wasn't before.
I do breast self-exams in the shower approximately once a month so having felt something like this gave me a hint of anxiousness. My initial thought? "HOLY SHIT THIS BETTER NOT BE WHAT I THINK IT IS!"
Before my paranoia goes out of control, I calmed myself down, convinced myself that it's probably not as bad as I'm imagining and carried on with showering.
Still continued with my positive affirmations until I got out of the shower... "I'm beautiful, sexy, happy, healthy, smart, kind and abundant! Life is great and I am blessed..."
This time, with a nervous and a slightly shaky voice. And I was no longer chanting it out of fun from my wild and carefree spirit. But out of fear of the worst case scenario I was imagining.
I dressed up, showed up and conquered that day like nothing happened. I distracted myself with so many other things as a defense mechanism to not overthink and worry about the marble gummy lump. My gut kept convincing me that it's probably not a big deal. Perhaps, a lump from my period. But another voice said it can't be it as I just had my flow a few days ago.
I looked up for more info online as I ended my day and discovered that 80% of breast lumps are benign meaning non-cancerous. "There goes your answer, Jaymee! Now CHILL! Everything is okay. That lump is nothing..."
So I silenced my annoying intuition with some chill out music, went to bed, thanked God I was alive that day, felt the lump one last time and dozed off. Somehow though, a small part of me knew my life will never be the same again after that day.